My reflections on the book
I must admit to two feelings I had before reading Boundaries and completing this assignment. I began by being excited at the prospect of submitting a book report, forgetting that one of the most difficult obstacles in life (at least for me), is gathering all my thoughts and translating them to paper. The secon
I think I have always had a negative outlook on Boundaries and for that reason I’ve never given them much thought. As the author continually reminds the reader, there can be a common misconception when it comes to setting Boundaries. The sense that one can be confined or restricted and that establishing boundaries prohibits a person from truly doing what they want to do. As I turned each page, I began to see that in fact nothing could be further from the truth. In Romans the apostle Paul talks about being a slave to sin. As slaves of sin they were free in regard to righteousness (Rom 6:20) but the fruit they were producing made them now ashamed. Could this possibly be the freedom I was so fearful of losing by setting better boundaries? Paul reminds them that they are free from sin and have become slaves of God, and the fruit they get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. This indeed sounded like true freedom and I started to realise what a crucial role boundaries play in this fruit producing life.
I am not a renowned reader and I slowly and laboriously trudged through the opening chapters with some painstaking difficulty, wondering how long was an acceptable amount of time to pass, before I would be rewarded another coffee break! However, as I delved deeper into the pages of this book, and much to my surprise, I found that I quite enjoyed it. The book was refreshingly honest and challenging in such a way that I wanted to keep on reading. Each chapter provided wonderful encouragement, conviction and spiritual insight. Instead of viewing boundaries in a negative light, I found myself wishing I had read the book sooner and established good boundaries throughout my younger years.
The wonderful freedom in being part of Christ’ Kingdom is to know that through his Holy Spirit, he can bring about change in your life. In spite of pain and consequences for poor boundary setting, Christ brings healing and a hope for the future. The well-known hymn ‘Great is thy faithfulness’ has a line that says …“strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow”. As I continue to allow God to teach me healthy boundaries, I remind myself that they are for todays strength and tomorrows bright hope. What a faithful God!
Growing up I was always encouraged to be a kind and compassionate person. My mum frequently reminds me that kindness is her favourite quality in someone. Indeed it was kindness that she first noticed in my dad as a young girl. Growing up in this environment has had a lasting effect on me and I’m pleased to say that kindness and compassion are two qualities that I highly value. I love to serve and am greatly moved to compassion for people who are struggling or suffering. Jesus had compassion and so if I’m to be like him, I too must be driven by love for God and others. However, like many Christians I had fallen into a trap!
For me, the Christian life was about always being there for people when they needed me. It didn’t matter if I was busy or needed time alone, if someone needed a favour or to spend time with me, then that was part of being a ‘good’ Christian. In chapter 15 the author sums it up like this….. ‘taking responsibility for yourself is healthy, and taking responsibility for others is destructive’. I wasn’t taking responsibility for myself. I had become resentful towards friends and people in my church who had used me for their own benefit. I could really identify with Sherrie in chapter one, who was being emotionally manipulated by her friend Lois, who only wanted to talk when she needed something from Sherrie.
My car became a reason some people would befriend me and at times friendship for me seemed like a ‘lifts club’! My skills in leading worship in the church seemed to be the only reason people valued me. My compassion and drive to help others had in fact driven me away from the people I most cared about. Through this book, I started to realise that the reason I had no boundaries in this area was drawn out of a fear of losing relationship. I decided that instead of allowing hurt and resentments to fester because others weren’t good friends, I would take ownership and responsibility for my own health. I wonder how much of my energy and time spent with people was actually motivated by love or was it a fear of not being accepted? I realise like Sherrie that I need to prioritise who and what is important in my life. 1 John says we love because He first loved us. Knowing that you are loved by God should make one see themselves as valuable enough to have boundaries. As I reflected on times when people had needed me for one thing or another, I realised that more often than not, my ‘yes’ was an external yes but an internal ‘no’. I was giving out of compulsion and not cheerfully (2 Cor 9:7).
This book has taken me on a journey of learning and self-discovery and I found myself yearning for more of this boundary filled life that the authors described. I believe the church has not fully understood the true value of boundaries and has grown to adopt some of the worlds tainted views. How boundaries can restrict us or hold us back from what we want. However, if we as the church started setting healthy boundaries, I believe the church would be a place of life and freedom. Indeed the authors final prayer is a prayer that I now pray for myself and the lives of those I encounter each day. ‘Its our prayer that your biblical boundaries will lead you to a life of love, freedom, responsibility, and service’.
As Christians, we are called to love God and love people and by setting strong biblical boundaries we can begin to do both to greater effect. We need to begin to adopt these Kingdom principles, so a lost, hurt and broken world can come to experience healing and love through Christ and his church.
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