Father forgive them

Father forgive them for they know not what they do.

Have you ever found it difficult to forgive someone who has hurt you? Hurt is a real thing and we all experience it in one measure or another. How exactly can you forgive someone who has done the unthinkable? Surely some things are just unforgivable right?

I have been journeying through the process of forgiveness for a number of years now. It all became real for me two years ago as I went through a painful break up with my girlfriend. I moved to America to start a new chapter in life with nervous excitement but eagerness to launch into the unknown and get to know Adriane better. Things had been moving pretty fast in our relationship and I couldn't believe how blessed I was in finding someone who made me feel so appreciated and loved.

Four days after arriving in Redding California it all came to a crashing end! We sat next to her neighbours pool and as she began to share her feelings, I knew where the conversation was going. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach and honestly I can't even remember what was said in that meeting, remembering only that we both wanted to stay in contact. Unfortunately we never did and although I tried, I rarely heard from Adriane again.

Throughout this time I was attending a ministry school in California. I was extremely depressed and yet through being present at this school, I was able to connect with God in deeper ways than I ever had before. I had noticed the roots of bitterness grow deep within me as time passed without hearing from Adriane and it was much easier to hate her than forgive her. Thankfully throughout most the year I didn't harbour any feelings of hatred towards her and did genuinely want the best for her or so I thought. God spoke directly into my situation through some of my assigned reading. I read the Supernatural power of forgiveness by Jason Vallotton. On reading how he learned to forgive after going through a far worse situation than mine, I decided it was time to end the pity party and move on with my life. Unfortunately my feelings of hurt were slow to get the memo and it has been a much longer process than I expected. I was shocked by his story and didn't understand how he could forgive in what seemed like an unforgivable situation.

Outwardly I had forgiven Adriane and even acted in ways to see her succeed. I knew that un-forgiveness would only destroy me and so I was very keen to do everything possible to bless her. Yet inwardly my thoughts were filled with resentment and self pity. I wondered how she could treat me so badly? I thought she was cold and nasty in how she dealt with the break up. One of the last things she said to me was that she struggled not to hate me. I actually revealed in the fact that she had said this because I knew the hatred she felt would ultimately destroy her and not me. Does this sound like forgiveness to you? Outwardly I was telling people how great she was and that I didn't harbour resentment towards her but inwardly my heart was darkened towards her. I was lying to myself through the whole first year. Proverbs 26:24 says "Whoever hates disguises himself with his lips and harbours deceit in his heart".

The problem is I didn't know how to truly forgive her.

This morning I read the account of Jesus death. The bloodied and beaten, nailed and naked Saviour of the world hanging on a cross. He was without sin, coming to rescue humanity from the clutches of hell and what did we do? We crucified him. Such injustice. I guess I had always seen Jesus' sacrifice as a physical sacrifice and never recognised the emotional anguish of the cross. Isaiah says he was despised and rejected a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering. He was completely misunderstood. He came to bring life and the people who he came to deliver, killed him. The emotional suffering he felt must have been tremendous and yet he said Father forgive them. What a powerful prayer!

I thought forgiving Adriane would result in a process of reconciliation. Unfortunately we never had reconciliation which left me wondering where to go from there and how I could continually chose forgiveness. My forgiveness hinged on a positive outcome. Jesus came to bring the ministry of reconciliation and yet I couldn't find a formula for reconciling my broken relationship.

Yesterday as I pondered through this I realised that Jesus came with a message of reconciliation and yet people still had a choice. They could still reject him and turn away and many did. Not everyone was reconciled through the cross and through Jesus prayer of forgiveness. It was available to all but not everyone chose it. Reconciliation is the message we bring but not always the end result of forgiveness.

There may come a day when I reconcile with the people I have fractured relationships with but I need to remember too that that day may also never come. Jesus forgave freely regardless of the outcome and I need to continue to do likewise. Today once again I chose the path of forgiveness and bless those who Christ died to reconcile to himself.

The process of Breakthrough

"Your breakthrough is coming"... "This is the year of breakthrough"... "You have a breakers anointing".. Whoa that's so cool!! At least it sounds cool but I haven't the slightest idea what that really means. It all sounds wonderful and I have said yes and amen to each and every one of these prayers, prophesies and encouragements in my last 2 years attending ministry school in Bethel church. Through many disappointments and discouragements in my time here, I held on to that promise that breakthrough was coming. The bigger the disappointment and heartache, the bigger the breakthrough that I would receive. This has been my philosophy and way to remain hopeful through difficulty. However I was beginning to get disillusioned. It was all promises with little or no fulfilment. I was reaching for the mountaintop when I was still hanging out in the valley.

It hasn't been all terrible. I have had moments that I can point to and say, that was a great day or I really shone in that moment. It just has often felt like a slow slog and not a significant breakthrough. I recently began to question why it always seemed like a battle for me and never an easy victory.

I came to realise that I needed a mindset shift. I stopped wondering how God would launch me to the mountaintop experience of breakthrough and started to seek him out in the valley. I discovered that it's often in our most broken and vulnerable place that we receive our breakthrough. I was looking for a moment in time that would make everything great. Make me feel like I was winning and thriving in life and yet God wanted to meet me in the valley. My definition of breakthrough being a 'one moment in time event' was keeping me locked in a perpetual state of disappointment and I needed to change.

So what am I saying? I started to see my story of breakthrough as a process and journey. God can bring transformation in a moment. Look at Saul' radical transformation but often change is a process. I stumbled upon a scripture in Deuteronomy that God highlighted to me this week. Deuteronomy 7:22 says 'The LORD your God will drive out those nations before you little by little. You will not be allowed to eliminate them all at once, or the wild animals will multiply around you.'

Wow!! Their enemies were driven out before them little by little. It wasn't a huge moment in time of deliverance or breakthrough but a process. The second part of the verse explains why that was so. Eliminating them all at once would have resulted in the wild animals multiplying against them.

What a perspective shift! It is Gods kindness towards me that he has released breakthrough in small pieces. He knows my heart more than I do. I wanted to be air dropped onto the mountaintop but he wanted to walk by my side out of the valley as we journey together to the top. He is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). He meets us in our pain and walks us out to freedom. This has become my story of redemption. It's beautiful, full of Gods kindness and nearness. It may not have happened in the way I expected but as I embraced Gods goodness in my pain, he surprised me with his glory and transformed me. Giving God my pain and watching him create in me something beautiful has been my greatest success story. Now that is breakthrough!!